Goodbyes

I cannot say goodbye
I do not believe in goodbyes

To say goodbye implies never seeing a person again
How do you know you will not run into them later?
It is impossible for something not to happen
Thus I never say goodbye

Goodbyes make me cry
Thinking I will never see a person again makes me sad
I do not like goodbyes

People think I am mean in my ways
I do not care
my mom left for the hospital upset because I would not say goodbye
saying goodbye would imply her dying
I cannot say it
I will say love you see you later

I believe in an after life
thus how do you know I will not see you there?
Goodbyes do not last
Goodbyes are superficial
thus why should I say the words?
I will say see you later not goodbye.

Bi polar disorder and the thyroid

For those who do not know there is a connection between your thyroid and bipolar. You see the thyroid controls your mood and secretes chemicals to keep it balanced when these become unbalanced then issues start to arise. Bipolar disorder is one of these chemical imbalances and it can cause either a hyper or hypothyroid. A hyper thyroid secretes too little of the chemicals and thus can cause you to become depressed and can cause effects that include weight gain, feeling cold, and decreased apetite. A hypothyroid causes you to become more manic, but have less energy so you want to sleep all the time and stomach issues as well as hair falling out, weight loss,and you will have an increased appetite. Due to affecting your thyroid a lot of bipolar patients have had to have their thyroid removed at a certain point in time due to the imbalance causing disease and other things in it. Thus it is important to keep track of how your thyroid is behaving even while being medicated for the disorder.

Eyes

You do not really know a person until you look them in the eye. You can see their soul and maybe part of their story. After all everyone has a story and everyone has eyes. In most cases the most usual eye color is brown and you actually see less green then blue. The rarest yet probably are the ones that run in my family. we have puzzle eyes so they change color. It is said you do not really know me until you have seen my eyes in different colors. This means more than one meeting. I can say I am fine, but look into my eyes. The lighter the brown the happier I am. A glassy green tinge eye suggests illness and dark brown eyes are a good indication I am upset. If I do not like you they look icy, but the more I like you the more warm they look to you. I have been told my eyes look like ice. That was from someone I did not like she thought they were blue, but were in fact a warning that I did not care for her. I have been told they remind someone of butter scotch or a tree with green in the middle and a brown going outside. Good signs that I like you and care for you. They always change based on my mood and my opinion of who I am looking at. They also tell if I am lying (I suck at lying anyways). Thus you can always know my mood without me ever saying a word or asking me how I am doing. The middle ground color is hazel which means everything is good and my opinion of you is neutral. It is really quite cool. In any human being you can tell when someone likes another person by their eyes because they tend to have a different look to them and they do not even know it. Gotta love genetics. I got mine from my father who's eyes turn bright green when he is mad neutral ground is a dark hazel. Mine are light and said to be playful.

Bipolar Disorder

So out of any disorder this is the one I am most knowledgeable. I have a full family history (including a dead aunt from it) and have it myself as well as a few friends with it. This disorder is a mood disorder. They cannot control whether they are happy or sad. They tend to have two poles manic and depressive. In the manic state it is like you go into a frenzy. It feels so god you feel like you can do anything. This is when you are happiest and get the most done. You do not realize though you lose control of your spending, what you say (kind of irrational), how fast you speak (you sound normal to yourself, but speak too fast for others to catch), people in a mania or that are manic do not know it. They think everything is fine and will be the ones smiling when something wretched happens, sometimes laughing even at it all. They do not think negative in this state and think only of positive and very happy things and will say they can do the most impossible things. in major cases they have been known to do things and not remember it later (like some an have sex with someone and have no recollection). The downside of the Mania is the depression. It is called manic depression because you feel so sad you do not want to get out of bed. You can feel sick and become super sensitive to the world. You feel like everyone is against you and everyone is talking about you and everything is about you to make your life more miserable. You want to curl up in a ball and either cry or die. People in this state tend to be suicidal. Basically in a nutshell the depressive state is like regular depression magnified about ten times. Bipolar disorder is treatable to an extent. Even on medications you can still cycle regularly but it gives you some control. If you have bipolar disorder you cannot take antidepressants. These will make it worse and make you suicidal. I have been there. Especially if you are in or under your twenties depressive medications will make you worse. It is treated with a mood stabilizer and anti-anxiety medications. Also if you need them sleep medications since either pole can give you insomnia. These medications do not work right away. They can take weeks, even months before you feel the effect of the medication. Lithium is commonly used first. It does not work for six months and has many side effects that include detachment. Using this drug also comes with the great thrill of having blood drawn once a week to make sure the levels are just right because too much can kill you and too little will not work. You can help stabilize using a diet that is high in omega acids. Thus you can take fish oil pills 9helps the mania) and watch your sodium levels and eat healthy. One reason it is so prevalent now and days is because we are losing nutrition from the soil which is why fish are seen are one of the few things that has not lost nutritional value. Also doing cardio five times a week stimulates your endorphins to help calm the depressive state. All in all live a healthy lifestyle. Also just a side note bipolar disorder manifests differently in different people (ex: I am more manic but when depressed I get sensitive and will wish to be alone I switch moods based on triggers so it can change anytime) Some people are more rapid in how fast the mood changes than others. Some people can be in the same mood for weeks.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

This disorder is also called Multiple personality disorder. What it is is the patient has different parts of them and it is caused by dissociation. Disassociation is a natural way out mind fights things such as abuse and relieves the stress of the situation. Most people have some form of disassociation at a low level, but high levels of going it can cause you to create another personality. This happens because they tell themselves they are not there thus creating a false person to take the beatings. These personages are there every time to take in the abuse and thus never leave the mind. When the new being is out the person dissociates everything that happens in that time period. They can get on a bus and go somewhere, have full conversations, or anything else and not remember it. These personages have their own personality (hence the name multiple personality) and even have names most of the time. They even have different ages. It is like a piece of the person is broken off into a small bit and is put into that personality. These personages go so far as having their own favorite color and favorite jeans. These personages will even fall in love with people and will date people. Treatment for this is intense therapy and drugs. The only way to cure a person with DID is they have to want to combine the personalities and it happens over time. There is no miracle drug or anything the therapist has to get to the bottom of what created the personalities that exist. The only way to do this is to call the personality out and talk to it because it has its own memories that the person themselves has no recollection of. Some people say this disorder does not exist and it is in their head, but it does. There are cases that are well documented and research is being conducted in Hospitals such as Sheperd Pratt Hospital near Towson University.

Love not hate

Hate is such a strong word. It gets used too much to the point we forget the meaning of hate or why we hate in the first place. There is a fine love between love and hate. After all how can you say you love or hate someone until after you really get to know them? Think about it even though after only one second your first impression is made of that person and comes into play over and over again, how do you know if you really hate them or love them? True love is built slowly like a house it has to have a firm foundation. Hate can be made in a few seconds like after someone kills a loved one right in front of you. It is easier to hate them than love them, but why not try? They may have some serious mental issues and be a sociopath. Or have schizophrenia. If you do not know the person then how can you really say you hate them? It is easier to hate, but nicer to love. Thus why not try? You can make a million excuses for both. You can decide which one to do within a few seconds, but why not try to love? That person may be your new best friend or your new husband or wife if you just try. Forget age, race, and all that other stuff and just think about it. Let them know how you feel it is not a bad thing and is not shameful to love somebody for being them.

Scared out of my wits

This is the night before I finish the most brazen thing I ever did. I helped a friend get out of her house. My family adopter unofficially, but there were some complications. Her family started to harass and stalk me and her. This may leave you questioning what it is I am bout to do.. Well I am about to take to the stand as the key witness in her case. We are both already protected citizens but what I have to say will be key in getting the restraining order for her protection that sadly was lifted after she turned 21 turned into a permanent one. It may also send some people to jail. I have already helped send her brother to jail, but now I am scared. they do not know who the key witness is until I take the stand tomorrow. I did not renew my restraining order after I moved out to Idaho. We are under witness protection, but they have found ways around it that only a restraining order can imply. I am scared because they live in my neighborhood and I know I may have to leave my home and family early again. I cannot plan things thoroughly because the move has to be quick and unexpected and I am scared. I have no one to turn to for this situation and I know what I have to say will change things forever. I love her she is my sister in all ways but biological makeup. I am prepping what to say and what to do. I am trained to speak in front of people but this will most likely have more effect than any speech I have ever given. I cannot wait to take the stand and get justice, but at the same time I am scared.

Carpe diem templar est apricot

This mean seize the day time is precious. It is my favorite saying because of the truth in the words. First off I learned this saying in Latin class. I am probably one of the few Americans who actually took Latin in high school and I loved it so much I never got below an A. Second it is a saying you will not hear often because I added on to the original carpe diem. Anyways if you think about it we do not have very much time and so why not enjoy it? Also to me the deepest meaning is the fact not only is time precious but the actions made in that time. Think about it everything you do inadvertently affects another person. I have seen this firsthand since I found out the guy who stalked me all through high school just got accepted into the police academy after getting kicked out of the college I told him I was going to so I could get rid of him. Go figure huh? Shows the power you have over another even if you do not mean to or even want to. Just remember every minute of every day is precious because it can make a difference and it could change the life of another.

Friends

I am sorry I could not help you
I am sorry it is something I do not know
I have never lost a friend
I have never really fought with a friend

I wish I could tell you what to do
I wish I knew what you could say
I wish I could take your pain away

A friend is a person whom does not use you as a punching bag
you do not need that
A friend is there for you when you need them
you are there for them too

They never make fun of you, except jokingly
They never hurt you
They never use something you cannot control against you
They have your back

I can be your friend
I have your back
I do not know what it is like to lose a friend
I have had the same best friend since I was nine
I am in my twenties

but I can be your friend
I wish I could hep you and tell you how to fix it but I cannot
but I can be there for you
I can be a friend

Jihad

I tend to be a very cultural person. I have friends from very different backgrounds and have studied religions over and over again thus the issue that has arisen is very draining on my brain. For those who do not know a Jihad is a holy war in the Muslim religion. It is them fighting for their beliefs and protecting themselves. The reason I am bringing this up is a church in Florida has decided to publicly burn the Koran. This is big taboo I mean imagine for a christian burning a bible how that would affect you or the burning of the Torah if you are Jewish. For Mormons it would be the book of Mormon and any religion really the burning of their bible or other holy artifacts is painful. Thus there has already been demonstrations in Kabul over this matter. The American generals are worried for their soldiers if this becomes a jihad and frankly I do not blame the Muslim community for being upset because they have gotten a bad wrap lately. The ones I have known are very sweet and respectful. They are good people and I had to fight for them in conversations over their reputation. Sure the women may wear burkas, but we tend to forget freedom is different in everyone's eyes. The women have said before they feel free in their burkas because it protects them. I can understand this after going down the street today and getting a guy saying he will take me home during lunch for a good screw. Thus I can see how it would protect them from men. I would never wear one personally, but I understand why they do. I believe we need to lighten up on them and we need to leave them alone. This Koran burning thing is simply looking for trouble and thus it should not be done. The Muslim people should not be blamed for a few people's mistakes over a tragedy. They lost people in 9/11 too, we all did. We tend to forget that every religion and every culture has been attacked by another at some point in time (EX: Jewish people were seen poorly in medieval times and the Christians had to hide in the beginning). In the end though there is good and bad in every culture and religion. Thus I believe we need to let things be and leave them alone they are angry with us Americans over our treatment of them and frankly I cannot blame them at all. I just do not want to see a Jihad over someone burning the Koran and being proud of it.

Stressors

OK so this is a big thing with different people. Even if you are not aware of it everyone has triggers or stressors. These cause a triggered emotion that can cause depression or any emotion really including love. An example of a stressor would be moving. Just about everyone hates it because it means moving to a new environment and learning about it. It is not as easy as simply staying in one place around the same friends and everything else. Another trigger for some people is horror movies. They cause you to become upset because they are triggers for you for any amount of reasons that depend on the person including putting yourself in the shoes of the victim. Thus for people with mental illness a lot of times with ones like depression it is important to find the triggers in order to help the person with depression because they are more sensitive.

I still remember

I still remember the day that changed my life forever. I was seventeen years old. It was a normal day. I went to work and was working late. I knew my doctor had not given me enough medication but I did not care. I ran out early. The redness started dripping down my face like water runs over it when washed. My wind pipes closed like a door but slowly. My face started to turn purple. I started shaking I was so scared. One of my coworkers yelled at me. I cannot even recall it because while she was yelling I was hanging on for life. My body started swelling like a frog puffs up in a mating call. The liquid started coming out of my pores like a summer storm. The person I was staying with rushed me to an emergency care facility. They put an oxygen mask on me and called 911. The EMT put the IV in my arm and worked fast to try to get some blood out for testing and gave me adrenaline and Benadryl shots. These few moves saved my life. I had to get ten shots. He messed my vain up. The hospital had to put the IV in my left foot. It was the only vain they could reach. They had to call someone in from a special department to do it. What sticks out to me about these fleeting moments is I would have died not surrounded by friends and family as I would have wished, but a single person. I still am thankful for what she did for me. I would not be here if she did not drive me to that unit. I would have died alone without my family, one friend there and that was it. I will never forget that night or the voice telling me to hold on. Death is painful but peaceful. If you can accept it. It was not my time and I am thankful to be here everyday of my life.