I wish I could stop this

My mind is wandering
in the back of my mind I know your emotions
they trigger mine
I wish I could control my moods and ignore yours
I wish I was not in tune to what you are thinking
you are ticking me off
you get mad at me, but it is you

Living on a farm is not for the lighthearted

I grew up on a farm until I was nine years old then I moved to an urban area. I will go to the farm regularly and the one thing you have to understand is sometimes death is inevitable. This is hard to learn and hard to face, especially for animal lovers, but that is how we get the strong versus the weak. I remember when I was little my grandpa would take me and my brother out to help birth the cows when they were having a hard time. These animals are just like us they can have problems and sometimes we come too late. In one case we lost the mother and her calf after a strenuous labor. another time a cow was having twins. This is extremely rare and usually the younger one dies. That is how life is. Now that my family has moved to goats they will have triplets and all will survive. It makes me happy to see these living creatures, but I know that the reason for the deaths is natures way of weeding out illness and allowing for growth because the genes stay pure. This is also why after a time the males in the groups change because otherwise there would be inbreeding which would ruin the new flock and create a weaker animal. It is hard to learn and understand, but it is necessary.

human smells

To be frank everyone smells differently. These odors are emitted through our pores and can tell the health of an individual and track a mate. This happens because your organs each have their own smell and the chemicals that create you each have their own smell. Thus allowing animals such as dogs the ability to decipher if a patient has something like cancer. It attracts mates because people with mental illness also have a smell that is seen as unattractive and is a warning to the passerby. It is usually sweet smelling. Also since your organs have their own scent they tend to allow the passerby to know if you are a relative and each individual is attracted to certain smells. Thus creating that effect of the cologne the guy next to you is wearing that thinks it is hot stuff, but to you is wretched. He likes it because to him it smells good, but not to you. You are naturally in tune to the smells so you can get a mate whom is healthy and not related to you thus allowing for healthier offspring due to less chance of mental illness or birth defects. I always find this interesting because I was on the pill for a little bit and found I was attracted to different smells. The reason behind this is because it changes your hormones. This led me to dating a guy whom had a mental condition and smelled sweet while everyone else was repulsed. Thus if you wanna really know if you love the guy you are with and are on the pill,just go off it for a bit if you can and then smell him. He should smell and taste good because the taste of someone also tells you if they are healthy or not a good match.

I had to hold it now didn't I?

I have an extremely weak spot for animals. Growing up on a farm it was thoroughly brought out and I have found the joy in taming cats and whatever else comes my way. Thus it is not a shocker I found a kitten. Sol pinned him down and me being me I had to go back and check on it later. The little guy has worms and an eye infection. He also is covered in fecal matter but is very sweet and was easily tamed. The issue? I fell in love with the blasted cat. I am allergic to cats and currently have an arm with some hives on it. See the problem? Now I want to go back and hold it and love it and take it home and take care of it. Sadly because I did not I am worried about its well being even though I met his mother and befriended his mother I am afraid he will die. I had to hold it now didn't I? I wish I did not have a heart sometimes, but I know someone has to and it happens to be me.

Sociopaths

Ok this is topic that tends to interest me. For those who do not know a person is born a sociopath. They are also called psychopaths and recent studies have proven a theory I thought of all along. What makes one? What it is is an imbalance in the brain like bipolar and schizophrenia. It is genetic and it controls the frontal lobe which controls your thought processing and thus your decision making. These individuals do not have emotions. They do not feel. One killer actually has no clue how many people he has killed because he never counted and has no conscience about it. Due to this recent neurologists and psychologist have done some tests. They scanned the brain which showed less activity in the frontal lobe than a normal brain, thus affecting their emotions. These people were born to kill. One question that has arisen is what drives them and they say it is like a drug for them. They are finding that with the help of omega 3 given at early ages and throughout lives high dosages can help to relieve the symptoms and help to cure it. I am not saying a cure has been found, but this can help. Also not all sociopaths kill. I want to make this clear. Some individuals were abused and it leads them to this like the gentleman who cannot even tell you how many people he has killed. Another man was caught at seventeen. One of the killers who was also a rapist claimed he killed them so they did not have the pain he did from his own abuse. There is a flip side. For those who do not know I believe not just in health psychology, but environmental. It has been proven that not all sociopaths kill. If they are raised and shown how to love they can be good functioning members of society and have no desire to hurt another person. These individuals are benine, not malignant and thus will not hurt a fly. They are loving but were taught right from wrong and follow it. They have known what it is to be loved and thus love back even though it is not in their nature to have emotions they learn. They are trained and thus clearing the name of a sociopath from always being evil. There are exceptions to the grand rule. Thus proving environment and health play major factors in one's life concluding diet can help and so can a loving family.

Another award in the shadows

OK so I just happen to win awards. By accident they come and I feel rude not accepting them. Just this week I found out I got a scholarship to a college I do not go to and I am in the finals for a creativity award for a speech I submitted on a whim.I don't try they just come to me because I am a natural speaker and never write them, just speak them. I can change one speech to fit any audience. It is nice to be recognized for this, but there is a limit. Frankly how many more awards could one person get? They have paid for my college tuition because I am said to be a born leader. but I keep them hidden and will bring them up only when questioned about them. I feel like they belong to my family because they are what drives my passion, but it would be rude to simply hand them over. I guess I should be thankful because they are first place and a lot of people work their butts off to acquire my talents. Frankly though I feel if I win this next one maybe I will have actually deserved it concluding I actually put some effort into it. I spent a few hours not minutes writing it and did a little research for it, but not much just a little Google. Sometimes I wish though someone could take the limelight. I would bow out gracefully as I came.

Connections

I always find it interesting that it seems everyone is connected by a distance of five people. For example one of my coworkers just happens to be a friend of a friend of a friend and is now my friend after meeting up at a party. Funny huh? Even at school the distance of five people was there. At least in my world if you look around like I know the Marriotts and when I went away to college someone went "hey you know them?" After they were brought up in an offhanded statement and then bingo a connection. He knew them from someone who served their mission in the same field as him and the guy was their daughter's husbands brother. Another connection. It is interesting if you ask around what you can find out and who knows who. Even with relatives you never know. I accidentally dated a cousin once, but found it a bit freaky even though it was five generations difference and we ended up breaking up. Thus there you have it if you end up running into an ex dont be surprised five people difference and there they are for the good and the bad.

Books

OK I am going to admit one very big fact about me. I LOVE books! Seriously I have my own library they are even in alphabetical order on my bookshelf and more hanging out in my closet and on my desk and dresser.. I never noticed how many I had until I just started packing them. I am moving so I did not think about it. Every time I go to the beach I get a book because it gets a beachy smell that I adore and then I have a Barnes and noble card, hence 30% off. then if you get me nothing else for a present for any occasion get a book just check my collection first and you will make my day. I have been an avid fan since I was a little girl and own everything from Shakespeare's hamlet to a few extra copies of Harry Potter. This is my one passion. Some women spend a lot on shoes or purses my splurge is a really good book.

Dont let it define you

as I sit pondering why I started this blog the reason is clear. I want to make it clear of who I am to those around me and this is my way of dealing with my new diagnosis of bipolar disorder. One thing I have had to learn is I am not bipolar. I merely show the symptoms of it and am medicated for it. It does not define me. Yes it affects me but only if I let it. You see you can control anything if you try mental illness is no difference. The first step is admitting you have it. Like a drug addict has to admit they have a drug problem or an anorexic has to admit they have an eating disorder you have to admit you have a mental problem. It can be controlled with extensive therapy and medication. After awhile you can even go off the medication if you can control yourself. It is hard, I know but you cannot let it control you. just like you cant let the wind knock you down or the ice make you fall you have to take the steps to prevent it. Like taking small steps. You cannot just simply say I am better. It takes time and it is worth it but you have to be ready to accept who you are and accept the fact you have an issue and need help first. Those are the first steps to heal.

Gotta have fun

So one thing I have realized as a psych major is you have to have some fun in your life. Seriously I have picked a career route where they say you have to be a little nuts to be good and really and truly know yourself in order not to lose it completely (not joking on this). The only way to really know yourself is to explore and realize what you like and do not like (for example I love everything to do with nature and hate rap). Then you have to take these items and relax a little because your job is to listen to other people complain about their lives and help them realize who they are or treat and find cures for people who have real mental issues. Thus you have to have a little fun and know how to do it your way - not someone else's way because their views could be different in this aspect. For me this is big because I have been accused of not knowing how to have fun because I had to help my family since I was young and have been seen as the responsible child as well as the youngest. I am also the only one to even graduate high school nevertheless make it to a private college in the sticks. Thus social life was nonexistent and time outside of home was family time. Since then I have learned you have to lighten up and have some fun though or else you can end up with health issues. Thus going out and having a good time once in a while truly is not a bad thing and why not explore? For me that is part of the fun in life is exploring new things. Example I found out I love horseback riding after taking a class on it and I love laser tag after getting a free laser tag coupon. Having fun actually lowers your stress levels and exploring exercises your brain so you are less likely to develop something like Alzheimer's or dementia so I thoroughly recommend it. Life is too short so you have to let go at least once in a while and expect the unexpected because some times things are just going to happen and you will not have a reason.

Forever strong

This blog is in ode to my friend Bryce. He loves the movie forever strong and now I know why. It teaches the Mormon values without being in your face. It isn't just about rugby, but life in general. We all get caught up in the moment where we forget the meaning of life and the fact everyone has issues. We also forget if we work as a team we can overcome issues and help each other. We need to be strong. Like in the movie we have to remember our values and the effects they can have on our lives. know where you stand and stand your ground. Mormon or not we all need to be strong and help one another. You can learn a lot by doing that.

life is funny sometimes

You know I have been doing a lot of thinking. Sometimes you just never know how things will turn out. Think about it, within three days because of one phone call I found myself on plane back to Maryland. Not I am moving to an apartment that requires documentation that my dog was neutered. I mean think about it you just never know how things will turn out. One minute you are on top of the world the next you are on the bottom begging others for mercy. Anymore you never know what will happen. You figure my life has been changed in a day with a few simple words of "she is deaf in her right ear. We do not know why" or the inevitable "Ms. Powers, I am sorry, but you have bipolar disorder and Post traumatic stress disorder we have to start treatment immediately." Just these few sentences have changed my life. I am on a long road to recovery. I feel very alone throughout this because the only person who can truly help me is me. Think about it that is how it is for everyone. Only you can help yourself. You can get support but when it comes to healing you are your own maker. It may seem cruel, but it is the truth I am sorry to say. Take the love that is out there for you, but know only you can truly help yourself when you are ready for it. you set your own limits not others. Sure sometimes things happen and we are at the mercy of others, but this has to be in order for us to grow we must learn from each other. Life is funny how it works, but it is beautiful.

Sol

Ok for once I am not going to say this in a poem. I have a dog named Sol. He is the love of my life and only man in my life. I love him dearly. He just got surgery and I am very grateful for the vet and his wonderful staff. I wish i could take him to school with me because he can tell my good and my bad days. This is wonderful for me and makes me want to study their senses more because he can smell my chemical imbalance. He is more than a dog he is my friend. He also is the first one there when my changes happen within a blink of an eye. I will wake up and he is there licking my face and i love him. He is like a son to me. He is the apple of my eye and I am grateful to the people who help me take care of him. Sure I may get mad at him, but he is my best friend. I want to take him to school so badly, but it is against school policy to have a dog in any housing even off campus, but in my case he is a disability dog. I think it would be fair, but the school disagrees. A dog is a dog in their eyes.

life goes on

Like the tide of the ocean life goes on
it may hurt
you may stay still
but the world around you is changing
time passes like the wind in your hair
time will not please you
time never has
life goes on
whether you want it to or not
love it
not hate it
live in the time you have
dont let it get you down
dont let it control you
you are in charge of your own destination
love life
learn from life
live your life
dont let it hurt you
time will age you if you let it
you can age yourself
you are in charge of your own destiny
love
life will go on
no matter how painful it is
life will go on