Dumb conclusions (the optometrist appointment)

I do not know if anyone has noticed, but anymore we tend to simply come to obscene conclusions that frankly make me want to laugh. Only in America could something like what happened to me yesterday happen. Me and my adopted sister met up and she had an eye appointment so just thinking OK we can spend time together I went. Besides she was uncomfortable with the doctor and one of the receptionists likes to follow her around, thus I came to help her out and like I said we could spend some time together. We went in and started looking at the glasses and I of course laughed at a few really bad ones I(EX: the ones with fake diamonds on them that looked so tacky it hurt) and then the doctor called her in. I started to go and sit down then he asked her if she would like her "friend" to come in. She did since she really does not like him, but alas she cannot find anyone else under her insurance plan. Thus I walked in and sat awkwardly in a chair and he asked her what her "friend's" name was and I responded. After wards we presumed to getting the glasses with the uncouth receptionist stalking us as we walked about and her peer helped my sister pick out glasses. When she would find a pair that my sister actually tried on out of their small selection she would turn to me and say "do you like her glasses? Let's see what your 'friend' thinks after all she should have a say in them (wink wink)". After almost bursting out laughing at the seams and them handing me some sarcasm on a silver platter my sister asked which glasses exactly her insurance fully covered. They pointed to the ten thick rimmed, eyebrow covering "oh my god I am in the fifties huge" glasses with bright colors and I made my move. I swiftly said "please do not even think of it! there is no way I will be seen in public with you with those! Are there any other ones?" - I set the trap the lady goes " well there are others but they are more expensive" "I see do not worry I am only joking, I love you". Bingo the place goes up in flames. The receptionist backed off and looked at us with a sigh of relief as I addressed the giant white elephant doing the cha cha in the room and the woman helping us let out an "awww!". My sister clenched her jaw and I could see the "after we get out of here I am going to kill you" look come out. She refused to even go to the bathroom in there out of the sheer agony that they thought we were a couple and dismissed the idea of anything else. Only in this day and age could something like that happen. Think about it. It used to be normal for men to kiss each other or girls to walk arm in arm or anything else. As opposed to the conclusion people always draw to with us that we are lovers, which is false concluding we are both straight. Now people jump to conclusions so fast my fiery brain, which will take any opportunity to be sarcastic and tease my poor sister is in complete bliss at the blunder so often made. My sister said I am not allowed to speak if I go with her to another appointment after that, but hey I had too many people to play with that decided to jump to a very wrong conclusion. Besides we know the truth and that is all that really matters.

Never give up

In my life I have been told countless times that I will never make it or do something or another and I always do. The biggest advice I can ever give someone is never give up. Aim high and try to hit it, but be realistic about it. For example when I was younger I had a severe speech impediment. I spoke fast, my voice skipped, and I stuttered. I never gave up, but I practiced my speaking until I had perfect English. It is so good people forget I am American because I have a slight accent that is commonly mistaken for British, thus never give up. It is never too late. Giving up can lower moral, but completing something gives you an extremely good sense of confidence and makes you feel good.

love live learn

I wish I could tell you that things will be alright
It is hard to do when you never know
Life moves on
Sometimes it seems to stand still but it will move around you
love can last if you want it to,
but when you do not want it to you can find any reason to quit it
Love is what holds us all together
It brings peace, joy, and happiness
the feelings of not being loved can destroy you
thus let it flow and flow with life
do not let it get you down
you are worth more than that
love, live and learn do not stand still in the tide
love through living
live though learning
learn through loving
love is undefined
do not let anyone tell you otherwise
it can be anything you want it to be
except hatred
there is a fine line between the two
do not let it be hate
let it be love
learn all you can life is too short
live all you can because otherwise why live?
we all live, love and learn
Do not let it get you down
never let life get to you
and love all you can
life will move on

Goodbyes

I cannot say goodbye
I do not believe in goodbyes

To say goodbye implies never seeing a person again
How do you know you will not run into them later?
It is impossible for something not to happen
Thus I never say goodbye

Goodbyes make me cry
Thinking I will never see a person again makes me sad
I do not like goodbyes

People think I am mean in my ways
I do not care
my mom left for the hospital upset because I would not say goodbye
saying goodbye would imply her dying
I cannot say it
I will say love you see you later

I believe in an after life
thus how do you know I will not see you there?
Goodbyes do not last
Goodbyes are superficial
thus why should I say the words?
I will say see you later not goodbye.

Bi polar disorder and the thyroid

For those who do not know there is a connection between your thyroid and bipolar. You see the thyroid controls your mood and secretes chemicals to keep it balanced when these become unbalanced then issues start to arise. Bipolar disorder is one of these chemical imbalances and it can cause either a hyper or hypothyroid. A hyper thyroid secretes too little of the chemicals and thus can cause you to become depressed and can cause effects that include weight gain, feeling cold, and decreased apetite. A hypothyroid causes you to become more manic, but have less energy so you want to sleep all the time and stomach issues as well as hair falling out, weight loss,and you will have an increased appetite. Due to affecting your thyroid a lot of bipolar patients have had to have their thyroid removed at a certain point in time due to the imbalance causing disease and other things in it. Thus it is important to keep track of how your thyroid is behaving even while being medicated for the disorder.

Eyes

You do not really know a person until you look them in the eye. You can see their soul and maybe part of their story. After all everyone has a story and everyone has eyes. In most cases the most usual eye color is brown and you actually see less green then blue. The rarest yet probably are the ones that run in my family. we have puzzle eyes so they change color. It is said you do not really know me until you have seen my eyes in different colors. This means more than one meeting. I can say I am fine, but look into my eyes. The lighter the brown the happier I am. A glassy green tinge eye suggests illness and dark brown eyes are a good indication I am upset. If I do not like you they look icy, but the more I like you the more warm they look to you. I have been told my eyes look like ice. That was from someone I did not like she thought they were blue, but were in fact a warning that I did not care for her. I have been told they remind someone of butter scotch or a tree with green in the middle and a brown going outside. Good signs that I like you and care for you. They always change based on my mood and my opinion of who I am looking at. They also tell if I am lying (I suck at lying anyways). Thus you can always know my mood without me ever saying a word or asking me how I am doing. The middle ground color is hazel which means everything is good and my opinion of you is neutral. It is really quite cool. In any human being you can tell when someone likes another person by their eyes because they tend to have a different look to them and they do not even know it. Gotta love genetics. I got mine from my father who's eyes turn bright green when he is mad neutral ground is a dark hazel. Mine are light and said to be playful.

Bipolar Disorder

So out of any disorder this is the one I am most knowledgeable. I have a full family history (including a dead aunt from it) and have it myself as well as a few friends with it. This disorder is a mood disorder. They cannot control whether they are happy or sad. They tend to have two poles manic and depressive. In the manic state it is like you go into a frenzy. It feels so god you feel like you can do anything. This is when you are happiest and get the most done. You do not realize though you lose control of your spending, what you say (kind of irrational), how fast you speak (you sound normal to yourself, but speak too fast for others to catch), people in a mania or that are manic do not know it. They think everything is fine and will be the ones smiling when something wretched happens, sometimes laughing even at it all. They do not think negative in this state and think only of positive and very happy things and will say they can do the most impossible things. in major cases they have been known to do things and not remember it later (like some an have sex with someone and have no recollection). The downside of the Mania is the depression. It is called manic depression because you feel so sad you do not want to get out of bed. You can feel sick and become super sensitive to the world. You feel like everyone is against you and everyone is talking about you and everything is about you to make your life more miserable. You want to curl up in a ball and either cry or die. People in this state tend to be suicidal. Basically in a nutshell the depressive state is like regular depression magnified about ten times. Bipolar disorder is treatable to an extent. Even on medications you can still cycle regularly but it gives you some control. If you have bipolar disorder you cannot take antidepressants. These will make it worse and make you suicidal. I have been there. Especially if you are in or under your twenties depressive medications will make you worse. It is treated with a mood stabilizer and anti-anxiety medications. Also if you need them sleep medications since either pole can give you insomnia. These medications do not work right away. They can take weeks, even months before you feel the effect of the medication. Lithium is commonly used first. It does not work for six months and has many side effects that include detachment. Using this drug also comes with the great thrill of having blood drawn once a week to make sure the levels are just right because too much can kill you and too little will not work. You can help stabilize using a diet that is high in omega acids. Thus you can take fish oil pills 9helps the mania) and watch your sodium levels and eat healthy. One reason it is so prevalent now and days is because we are losing nutrition from the soil which is why fish are seen are one of the few things that has not lost nutritional value. Also doing cardio five times a week stimulates your endorphins to help calm the depressive state. All in all live a healthy lifestyle. Also just a side note bipolar disorder manifests differently in different people (ex: I am more manic but when depressed I get sensitive and will wish to be alone I switch moods based on triggers so it can change anytime) Some people are more rapid in how fast the mood changes than others. Some people can be in the same mood for weeks.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

This disorder is also called Multiple personality disorder. What it is is the patient has different parts of them and it is caused by dissociation. Disassociation is a natural way out mind fights things such as abuse and relieves the stress of the situation. Most people have some form of disassociation at a low level, but high levels of going it can cause you to create another personality. This happens because they tell themselves they are not there thus creating a false person to take the beatings. These personages are there every time to take in the abuse and thus never leave the mind. When the new being is out the person dissociates everything that happens in that time period. They can get on a bus and go somewhere, have full conversations, or anything else and not remember it. These personages have their own personality (hence the name multiple personality) and even have names most of the time. They even have different ages. It is like a piece of the person is broken off into a small bit and is put into that personality. These personages go so far as having their own favorite color and favorite jeans. These personages will even fall in love with people and will date people. Treatment for this is intense therapy and drugs. The only way to cure a person with DID is they have to want to combine the personalities and it happens over time. There is no miracle drug or anything the therapist has to get to the bottom of what created the personalities that exist. The only way to do this is to call the personality out and talk to it because it has its own memories that the person themselves has no recollection of. Some people say this disorder does not exist and it is in their head, but it does. There are cases that are well documented and research is being conducted in Hospitals such as Sheperd Pratt Hospital near Towson University.

Love not hate

Hate is such a strong word. It gets used too much to the point we forget the meaning of hate or why we hate in the first place. There is a fine love between love and hate. After all how can you say you love or hate someone until after you really get to know them? Think about it even though after only one second your first impression is made of that person and comes into play over and over again, how do you know if you really hate them or love them? True love is built slowly like a house it has to have a firm foundation. Hate can be made in a few seconds like after someone kills a loved one right in front of you. It is easier to hate them than love them, but why not try? They may have some serious mental issues and be a sociopath. Or have schizophrenia. If you do not know the person then how can you really say you hate them? It is easier to hate, but nicer to love. Thus why not try? You can make a million excuses for both. You can decide which one to do within a few seconds, but why not try to love? That person may be your new best friend or your new husband or wife if you just try. Forget age, race, and all that other stuff and just think about it. Let them know how you feel it is not a bad thing and is not shameful to love somebody for being them.

Scared out of my wits

This is the night before I finish the most brazen thing I ever did. I helped a friend get out of her house. My family adopter unofficially, but there were some complications. Her family started to harass and stalk me and her. This may leave you questioning what it is I am bout to do.. Well I am about to take to the stand as the key witness in her case. We are both already protected citizens but what I have to say will be key in getting the restraining order for her protection that sadly was lifted after she turned 21 turned into a permanent one. It may also send some people to jail. I have already helped send her brother to jail, but now I am scared. they do not know who the key witness is until I take the stand tomorrow. I did not renew my restraining order after I moved out to Idaho. We are under witness protection, but they have found ways around it that only a restraining order can imply. I am scared because they live in my neighborhood and I know I may have to leave my home and family early again. I cannot plan things thoroughly because the move has to be quick and unexpected and I am scared. I have no one to turn to for this situation and I know what I have to say will change things forever. I love her she is my sister in all ways but biological makeup. I am prepping what to say and what to do. I am trained to speak in front of people but this will most likely have more effect than any speech I have ever given. I cannot wait to take the stand and get justice, but at the same time I am scared.

Carpe diem templar est apricot

This mean seize the day time is precious. It is my favorite saying because of the truth in the words. First off I learned this saying in Latin class. I am probably one of the few Americans who actually took Latin in high school and I loved it so much I never got below an A. Second it is a saying you will not hear often because I added on to the original carpe diem. Anyways if you think about it we do not have very much time and so why not enjoy it? Also to me the deepest meaning is the fact not only is time precious but the actions made in that time. Think about it everything you do inadvertently affects another person. I have seen this firsthand since I found out the guy who stalked me all through high school just got accepted into the police academy after getting kicked out of the college I told him I was going to so I could get rid of him. Go figure huh? Shows the power you have over another even if you do not mean to or even want to. Just remember every minute of every day is precious because it can make a difference and it could change the life of another.

Friends

I am sorry I could not help you
I am sorry it is something I do not know
I have never lost a friend
I have never really fought with a friend

I wish I could tell you what to do
I wish I knew what you could say
I wish I could take your pain away

A friend is a person whom does not use you as a punching bag
you do not need that
A friend is there for you when you need them
you are there for them too

They never make fun of you, except jokingly
They never hurt you
They never use something you cannot control against you
They have your back

I can be your friend
I have your back
I do not know what it is like to lose a friend
I have had the same best friend since I was nine
I am in my twenties

but I can be your friend
I wish I could hep you and tell you how to fix it but I cannot
but I can be there for you
I can be a friend

Jihad

I tend to be a very cultural person. I have friends from very different backgrounds and have studied religions over and over again thus the issue that has arisen is very draining on my brain. For those who do not know a Jihad is a holy war in the Muslim religion. It is them fighting for their beliefs and protecting themselves. The reason I am bringing this up is a church in Florida has decided to publicly burn the Koran. This is big taboo I mean imagine for a christian burning a bible how that would affect you or the burning of the Torah if you are Jewish. For Mormons it would be the book of Mormon and any religion really the burning of their bible or other holy artifacts is painful. Thus there has already been demonstrations in Kabul over this matter. The American generals are worried for their soldiers if this becomes a jihad and frankly I do not blame the Muslim community for being upset because they have gotten a bad wrap lately. The ones I have known are very sweet and respectful. They are good people and I had to fight for them in conversations over their reputation. Sure the women may wear burkas, but we tend to forget freedom is different in everyone's eyes. The women have said before they feel free in their burkas because it protects them. I can understand this after going down the street today and getting a guy saying he will take me home during lunch for a good screw. Thus I can see how it would protect them from men. I would never wear one personally, but I understand why they do. I believe we need to lighten up on them and we need to leave them alone. This Koran burning thing is simply looking for trouble and thus it should not be done. The Muslim people should not be blamed for a few people's mistakes over a tragedy. They lost people in 9/11 too, we all did. We tend to forget that every religion and every culture has been attacked by another at some point in time (EX: Jewish people were seen poorly in medieval times and the Christians had to hide in the beginning). In the end though there is good and bad in every culture and religion. Thus I believe we need to let things be and leave them alone they are angry with us Americans over our treatment of them and frankly I cannot blame them at all. I just do not want to see a Jihad over someone burning the Koran and being proud of it.

Stressors

OK so this is a big thing with different people. Even if you are not aware of it everyone has triggers or stressors. These cause a triggered emotion that can cause depression or any emotion really including love. An example of a stressor would be moving. Just about everyone hates it because it means moving to a new environment and learning about it. It is not as easy as simply staying in one place around the same friends and everything else. Another trigger for some people is horror movies. They cause you to become upset because they are triggers for you for any amount of reasons that depend on the person including putting yourself in the shoes of the victim. Thus for people with mental illness a lot of times with ones like depression it is important to find the triggers in order to help the person with depression because they are more sensitive.

I still remember

I still remember the day that changed my life forever. I was seventeen years old. It was a normal day. I went to work and was working late. I knew my doctor had not given me enough medication but I did not care. I ran out early. The redness started dripping down my face like water runs over it when washed. My wind pipes closed like a door but slowly. My face started to turn purple. I started shaking I was so scared. One of my coworkers yelled at me. I cannot even recall it because while she was yelling I was hanging on for life. My body started swelling like a frog puffs up in a mating call. The liquid started coming out of my pores like a summer storm. The person I was staying with rushed me to an emergency care facility. They put an oxygen mask on me and called 911. The EMT put the IV in my arm and worked fast to try to get some blood out for testing and gave me adrenaline and Benadryl shots. These few moves saved my life. I had to get ten shots. He messed my vain up. The hospital had to put the IV in my left foot. It was the only vain they could reach. They had to call someone in from a special department to do it. What sticks out to me about these fleeting moments is I would have died not surrounded by friends and family as I would have wished, but a single person. I still am thankful for what she did for me. I would not be here if she did not drive me to that unit. I would have died alone without my family, one friend there and that was it. I will never forget that night or the voice telling me to hold on. Death is painful but peaceful. If you can accept it. It was not my time and I am thankful to be here everyday of my life.

I wish I could stop this

My mind is wandering
in the back of my mind I know your emotions
they trigger mine
I wish I could control my moods and ignore yours
I wish I was not in tune to what you are thinking
you are ticking me off
you get mad at me, but it is you

Living on a farm is not for the lighthearted

I grew up on a farm until I was nine years old then I moved to an urban area. I will go to the farm regularly and the one thing you have to understand is sometimes death is inevitable. This is hard to learn and hard to face, especially for animal lovers, but that is how we get the strong versus the weak. I remember when I was little my grandpa would take me and my brother out to help birth the cows when they were having a hard time. These animals are just like us they can have problems and sometimes we come too late. In one case we lost the mother and her calf after a strenuous labor. another time a cow was having twins. This is extremely rare and usually the younger one dies. That is how life is. Now that my family has moved to goats they will have triplets and all will survive. It makes me happy to see these living creatures, but I know that the reason for the deaths is natures way of weeding out illness and allowing for growth because the genes stay pure. This is also why after a time the males in the groups change because otherwise there would be inbreeding which would ruin the new flock and create a weaker animal. It is hard to learn and understand, but it is necessary.

human smells

To be frank everyone smells differently. These odors are emitted through our pores and can tell the health of an individual and track a mate. This happens because your organs each have their own smell and the chemicals that create you each have their own smell. Thus allowing animals such as dogs the ability to decipher if a patient has something like cancer. It attracts mates because people with mental illness also have a smell that is seen as unattractive and is a warning to the passerby. It is usually sweet smelling. Also since your organs have their own scent they tend to allow the passerby to know if you are a relative and each individual is attracted to certain smells. Thus creating that effect of the cologne the guy next to you is wearing that thinks it is hot stuff, but to you is wretched. He likes it because to him it smells good, but not to you. You are naturally in tune to the smells so you can get a mate whom is healthy and not related to you thus allowing for healthier offspring due to less chance of mental illness or birth defects. I always find this interesting because I was on the pill for a little bit and found I was attracted to different smells. The reason behind this is because it changes your hormones. This led me to dating a guy whom had a mental condition and smelled sweet while everyone else was repulsed. Thus if you wanna really know if you love the guy you are with and are on the pill,just go off it for a bit if you can and then smell him. He should smell and taste good because the taste of someone also tells you if they are healthy or not a good match.

I had to hold it now didn't I?

I have an extremely weak spot for animals. Growing up on a farm it was thoroughly brought out and I have found the joy in taming cats and whatever else comes my way. Thus it is not a shocker I found a kitten. Sol pinned him down and me being me I had to go back and check on it later. The little guy has worms and an eye infection. He also is covered in fecal matter but is very sweet and was easily tamed. The issue? I fell in love with the blasted cat. I am allergic to cats and currently have an arm with some hives on it. See the problem? Now I want to go back and hold it and love it and take it home and take care of it. Sadly because I did not I am worried about its well being even though I met his mother and befriended his mother I am afraid he will die. I had to hold it now didn't I? I wish I did not have a heart sometimes, but I know someone has to and it happens to be me.

Sociopaths

Ok this is topic that tends to interest me. For those who do not know a person is born a sociopath. They are also called psychopaths and recent studies have proven a theory I thought of all along. What makes one? What it is is an imbalance in the brain like bipolar and schizophrenia. It is genetic and it controls the frontal lobe which controls your thought processing and thus your decision making. These individuals do not have emotions. They do not feel. One killer actually has no clue how many people he has killed because he never counted and has no conscience about it. Due to this recent neurologists and psychologist have done some tests. They scanned the brain which showed less activity in the frontal lobe than a normal brain, thus affecting their emotions. These people were born to kill. One question that has arisen is what drives them and they say it is like a drug for them. They are finding that with the help of omega 3 given at early ages and throughout lives high dosages can help to relieve the symptoms and help to cure it. I am not saying a cure has been found, but this can help. Also not all sociopaths kill. I want to make this clear. Some individuals were abused and it leads them to this like the gentleman who cannot even tell you how many people he has killed. Another man was caught at seventeen. One of the killers who was also a rapist claimed he killed them so they did not have the pain he did from his own abuse. There is a flip side. For those who do not know I believe not just in health psychology, but environmental. It has been proven that not all sociopaths kill. If they are raised and shown how to love they can be good functioning members of society and have no desire to hurt another person. These individuals are benine, not malignant and thus will not hurt a fly. They are loving but were taught right from wrong and follow it. They have known what it is to be loved and thus love back even though it is not in their nature to have emotions they learn. They are trained and thus clearing the name of a sociopath from always being evil. There are exceptions to the grand rule. Thus proving environment and health play major factors in one's life concluding diet can help and so can a loving family.

Another award in the shadows

OK so I just happen to win awards. By accident they come and I feel rude not accepting them. Just this week I found out I got a scholarship to a college I do not go to and I am in the finals for a creativity award for a speech I submitted on a whim.I don't try they just come to me because I am a natural speaker and never write them, just speak them. I can change one speech to fit any audience. It is nice to be recognized for this, but there is a limit. Frankly how many more awards could one person get? They have paid for my college tuition because I am said to be a born leader. but I keep them hidden and will bring them up only when questioned about them. I feel like they belong to my family because they are what drives my passion, but it would be rude to simply hand them over. I guess I should be thankful because they are first place and a lot of people work their butts off to acquire my talents. Frankly though I feel if I win this next one maybe I will have actually deserved it concluding I actually put some effort into it. I spent a few hours not minutes writing it and did a little research for it, but not much just a little Google. Sometimes I wish though someone could take the limelight. I would bow out gracefully as I came.

Connections

I always find it interesting that it seems everyone is connected by a distance of five people. For example one of my coworkers just happens to be a friend of a friend of a friend and is now my friend after meeting up at a party. Funny huh? Even at school the distance of five people was there. At least in my world if you look around like I know the Marriotts and when I went away to college someone went "hey you know them?" After they were brought up in an offhanded statement and then bingo a connection. He knew them from someone who served their mission in the same field as him and the guy was their daughter's husbands brother. Another connection. It is interesting if you ask around what you can find out and who knows who. Even with relatives you never know. I accidentally dated a cousin once, but found it a bit freaky even though it was five generations difference and we ended up breaking up. Thus there you have it if you end up running into an ex dont be surprised five people difference and there they are for the good and the bad.

Books

OK I am going to admit one very big fact about me. I LOVE books! Seriously I have my own library they are even in alphabetical order on my bookshelf and more hanging out in my closet and on my desk and dresser.. I never noticed how many I had until I just started packing them. I am moving so I did not think about it. Every time I go to the beach I get a book because it gets a beachy smell that I adore and then I have a Barnes and noble card, hence 30% off. then if you get me nothing else for a present for any occasion get a book just check my collection first and you will make my day. I have been an avid fan since I was a little girl and own everything from Shakespeare's hamlet to a few extra copies of Harry Potter. This is my one passion. Some women spend a lot on shoes or purses my splurge is a really good book.

Dont let it define you

as I sit pondering why I started this blog the reason is clear. I want to make it clear of who I am to those around me and this is my way of dealing with my new diagnosis of bipolar disorder. One thing I have had to learn is I am not bipolar. I merely show the symptoms of it and am medicated for it. It does not define me. Yes it affects me but only if I let it. You see you can control anything if you try mental illness is no difference. The first step is admitting you have it. Like a drug addict has to admit they have a drug problem or an anorexic has to admit they have an eating disorder you have to admit you have a mental problem. It can be controlled with extensive therapy and medication. After awhile you can even go off the medication if you can control yourself. It is hard, I know but you cannot let it control you. just like you cant let the wind knock you down or the ice make you fall you have to take the steps to prevent it. Like taking small steps. You cannot just simply say I am better. It takes time and it is worth it but you have to be ready to accept who you are and accept the fact you have an issue and need help first. Those are the first steps to heal.

Gotta have fun

So one thing I have realized as a psych major is you have to have some fun in your life. Seriously I have picked a career route where they say you have to be a little nuts to be good and really and truly know yourself in order not to lose it completely (not joking on this). The only way to really know yourself is to explore and realize what you like and do not like (for example I love everything to do with nature and hate rap). Then you have to take these items and relax a little because your job is to listen to other people complain about their lives and help them realize who they are or treat and find cures for people who have real mental issues. Thus you have to have a little fun and know how to do it your way - not someone else's way because their views could be different in this aspect. For me this is big because I have been accused of not knowing how to have fun because I had to help my family since I was young and have been seen as the responsible child as well as the youngest. I am also the only one to even graduate high school nevertheless make it to a private college in the sticks. Thus social life was nonexistent and time outside of home was family time. Since then I have learned you have to lighten up and have some fun though or else you can end up with health issues. Thus going out and having a good time once in a while truly is not a bad thing and why not explore? For me that is part of the fun in life is exploring new things. Example I found out I love horseback riding after taking a class on it and I love laser tag after getting a free laser tag coupon. Having fun actually lowers your stress levels and exploring exercises your brain so you are less likely to develop something like Alzheimer's or dementia so I thoroughly recommend it. Life is too short so you have to let go at least once in a while and expect the unexpected because some times things are just going to happen and you will not have a reason.

Forever strong

This blog is in ode to my friend Bryce. He loves the movie forever strong and now I know why. It teaches the Mormon values without being in your face. It isn't just about rugby, but life in general. We all get caught up in the moment where we forget the meaning of life and the fact everyone has issues. We also forget if we work as a team we can overcome issues and help each other. We need to be strong. Like in the movie we have to remember our values and the effects they can have on our lives. know where you stand and stand your ground. Mormon or not we all need to be strong and help one another. You can learn a lot by doing that.

life is funny sometimes

You know I have been doing a lot of thinking. Sometimes you just never know how things will turn out. Think about it, within three days because of one phone call I found myself on plane back to Maryland. Not I am moving to an apartment that requires documentation that my dog was neutered. I mean think about it you just never know how things will turn out. One minute you are on top of the world the next you are on the bottom begging others for mercy. Anymore you never know what will happen. You figure my life has been changed in a day with a few simple words of "she is deaf in her right ear. We do not know why" or the inevitable "Ms. Powers, I am sorry, but you have bipolar disorder and Post traumatic stress disorder we have to start treatment immediately." Just these few sentences have changed my life. I am on a long road to recovery. I feel very alone throughout this because the only person who can truly help me is me. Think about it that is how it is for everyone. Only you can help yourself. You can get support but when it comes to healing you are your own maker. It may seem cruel, but it is the truth I am sorry to say. Take the love that is out there for you, but know only you can truly help yourself when you are ready for it. you set your own limits not others. Sure sometimes things happen and we are at the mercy of others, but this has to be in order for us to grow we must learn from each other. Life is funny how it works, but it is beautiful.

Sol

Ok for once I am not going to say this in a poem. I have a dog named Sol. He is the love of my life and only man in my life. I love him dearly. He just got surgery and I am very grateful for the vet and his wonderful staff. I wish i could take him to school with me because he can tell my good and my bad days. This is wonderful for me and makes me want to study their senses more because he can smell my chemical imbalance. He is more than a dog he is my friend. He also is the first one there when my changes happen within a blink of an eye. I will wake up and he is there licking my face and i love him. He is like a son to me. He is the apple of my eye and I am grateful to the people who help me take care of him. Sure I may get mad at him, but he is my best friend. I want to take him to school so badly, but it is against school policy to have a dog in any housing even off campus, but in my case he is a disability dog. I think it would be fair, but the school disagrees. A dog is a dog in their eyes.

life goes on

Like the tide of the ocean life goes on
it may hurt
you may stay still
but the world around you is changing
time passes like the wind in your hair
time will not please you
time never has
life goes on
whether you want it to or not
love it
not hate it
live in the time you have
dont let it get you down
dont let it control you
you are in charge of your own destination
love life
learn from life
live your life
dont let it hurt you
time will age you if you let it
you can age yourself
you are in charge of your own destiny
love
life will go on
no matter how painful it is
life will go on

the calling

it was two in the morning and Alice woke with a jolt. The dream she had was so vivid like it was real. She felt she had better listen to it, but did not want to believe it. She dreamed her world was about to turn upside down. She was the daughter of the French king. Today was the day they were to announce whom she was to marry. It would change her world. She wanted to stay in France with her brother but knew that would never happen.
Her father approached her early in the morning. The family gathered and her brother clutched his chair waiting for his father to say who the husband would be. It was rumored a deal was struck with England, but she did not want to believe it. The king came in ,smug about his decision and sat at the head of the table. "it has been decided then". He told everyone, "Alice, you are to marry the prince of wales, Richard". Charles got up with a jolt. He did not like this match. Richard had abused him as a child and the match meant the person he despised the most would be his brother. Not a happy match at all. "I will not stand for this!" He roared. Alice began to cry. She shared the same feelings as her brother, this was not a happy match. "What is wrong boy?! I am securing your future you should be happy for your sisters match and Alice one day you will be queen of France think of that!" howled the king. "I do not want to marry a tyrant I have heard stories." "forget the stories it will happen. you are to leave at once. They are to educate you in their ways and then in a few years you will marry him" "At once! Why not just banish her?! it would be less painful father." "Charles keep your mouth shut boy this is for the best of the country." "but I do not want to go to England!" cried Alice. "what is done is done you will have to except your fate."
Alice did not want to except her future. She cried every night, even after finding herself in England she cried. Lost in a country she did not know.

the beach

waves hit your feet
ocean breeze goes through your hair like a comb
the sun rises in greeting
the dolphins dance their magical dance
life is good
swim during the day
walk the boardwalk at night
that is life
the people around you are your friends
everyone is here for a good time
love it and enjoy it
while it lasts
the sand goes coats your feet
you walk along the beach
the waves tumble through thumping like drums
the birds sing their song
and the humans dance to their music
life is good at the beach
dance and go with their flow
you will never regret it
you may never feel it
it is a part of your heart
it is a part of you love of life
live and love
dance the dance
be free

Meds

with any disorder
no matter what it is
meds do not always work
no miracle drugs out there
you have to be able to work
you have to find your own cure
you have to follow your own path
for any disorder to find the right cocktail takes years
my case the average is two years
they are there to help
not to be leaned on
if you think that a pill can solve everything you are incompetent
they cant
the person has to be willing to change
the person has to be ready to change
do not use meds as an excuse to blame someone
they can change you
they do not always work
some take months
they are there in the beginning
they are there to help the winnings
they are addictive
they are hard
they can hurt you
they can make you better
you have to be ready for them
they cannot be ready for you
no one can force you
they are only the beginning
not the end of your issues
a pill cannot solve everything

Rebel

Everyone has a definition
they make their own path
they follow no one
they are deviants
Everyone says I am
I am a loner
I am a deviant
I love rules
I dance to my own tune
I love to hear others tune
others say I am a leader
others say I am a rebel
I am who I am
rebels make their own path
rebels do not follow other paths
only their own
if it is blocked they make it
if there is a challenge they face it
they have their own style
they have their own loves
they cannot be controlled
only if they are willing can it happen
the definition changes
from person to person
think what you want
I am who I am

The locks

the birds chirp in the air
the path is yellow like the yellow brick road
the canal silently beside you
it lie in remembrance thinking of its past
the river runs beside you old and strong
it rushes like the wind
the river gives life
so does the canal
the trees bend over the path
they bow before the greatness that humanity has created
they bow before what was given back to nature
the crisp leaves fall gracefully
as the water trickles sweetly
the golden hues of a fall day
oh it looks like heaven!
the river on one side singing its drum line
the canal sings a sweet lullaby
the river carries the leaves to the Chesapeake
the canal lets them be and allows the fish to hide sleepily underneath
the chirping of birds singing in their joyful lull
the animals rustle as they get their homes ready for winter
the turtles loiter on the fallen branches
beauty and happiness is to be found
if you only look

let it be

sometimes you have to let go
sometimes it is best
let it go
or you could regress
humanity needs progress
so let it be
let the past go
what happened happened
there is no changing the past
let it go and feel relief
let it go and be free
let it go and keep a friend
grudges are the enemy
if we all hold grudges nothing would get done
people will be undone
their souls will fill with hatred
as they fill the void you created
let the peace flow in
laugh at it
do not blame others
let it be
let it be for the sake of others
let it be for your own sake
let it be for the sake of your health

And you thought that up all by yourself? Really?

Ok I work for Starbucks and sometimes you never know what people are going to say to you for example. One day I faked an Italian accent as I said Caramel Macchiato. My coworkers were all laughing and telling me how good it was and I started speaking American again. Well then the owner of the drink walked up to me and asked are you Italian I love your accent! I calmly replied no I am American. Then another time a woman walked up to me and started speaking Spanish. I calmly said no habla espanol and she replied with an OH! What language do you speak then? I told her I was American. She replied hehehe silly! Americans do not work for Starbucks and that is great you got your green card and have immigrated to our country. I replied no mam seriously I was born right down the street in the hospital. She did not believe me and walked away. Evidently many people think that just because I work there I am not American but I am. I once had the pleasure of Shocking a woman by informing her I do not live in the back room and I am not an elf. She thought that everyone that worked for the company was a elf there to make her drink whenever she pleased. I know I am short but wow. Where is your brain? We close at nine for a reason it is called I want to go home and play with my dog and blog! Seriously where do people think these things? That is totally some extreme bigotry like the people who think I am Irish because I have red hair. I am Danish. where do people get these things? My family has lived in America since the first colonization. in fact we were in it. The closest to immigration my family has is the danish great grandmother and it was her parents who immigrated here. Seriously where do people get these things? I have no accent I am not even southern so why? Does it really make you feel better? Because I am just laughing at you and glad that I am too short to see your face over the bar when you say something stupid. Like someone asked me what was wrong with my face. The fact is my cheeks are naturally rosy so it was not an allergic reaction. Not all redheads are pale and freckled some of us have golden tinted skin with no freckles and yes some do have brown eyes we are not all simply pale from head to toes.

Attatchment

Ok for those who don't know me I get attached easily to things. Stick a python around my neck and you have given me a new friend. Baby and I will take care of it like my own. Sadly I guess I am too sensitive for my own good because I cried when I had to feed a scorpion a pinkie that I had just met. I don't know why I do it but I do. It is like the fact that if you show me a place I will say I like it and goes with my love to travel because I get attached to the people. I love people, animals, and objects. I love everything from the rock in the soil to the sun in the sky I just simply love the world.I dont know if it is a girl thing or what but hey I am who I am and I love this world. Frankly I do not get how someone could not because there is so much good. Granted there is bad I think I could write a book on bad and never leave my house if I held everything in, but there is so much good. There is good in everyone if you just look hard enough you will find it. With everyone if you look hard you can find something to love nobody is perfect we all make mistakes so try to look past them. Like a snake I love the colors even if they are poisonous or a person look at their good qualities as well as their bad. I know there are some people I myself avoid, but that is because I cannot stand their negativity and I don't like others bringing others down it is not my way. I love to have a good time and enjoy my company regardless of who it is just don't try and take my joy away and tell me the glass is half empty. It is a real downer and I know I am not alone in my thinking.

love

love is strong
love is blind
love never fades
love never dies
love dying never existed
love is the greatest power
love holds us all together
love is hates better brother
love covers us all as an invisible force
love will continue after we all die
love cannot be found it finds you
love is harder to do than to hate
love saves lives
love is undefined
love hurts

the dance

the fireflies dance through the fields
like diamonds glittering as they dance
they entrance
the moon shines down on them
full and yellow it glows
the pond shimmers the lights
the dance goes on
the world is full of light
the country comes alive
as the bugs fly
the moon shines down as a spectator of the brilliance
the cats meow in song
the crickets join in
the frogs start in
the dogs starts to dance
the fireflies continue their brilliance
the summer night goes on
the country is alive
as the animals celebrate on
the glittering spectacle
the beautiful song
a world we forget
a world we can only watch
and dance on in song
the world we long
a world far away
it dances on and sings
no matter where we are
it moves on
with the season
we reason
and await the summer dance

your point?

OK for those who don't know my mind wanders in a million directions per hour or minute and I raise a million questions that I have to have answered before I can move on. Thus I always wonder one very big thing that gets on my nerves. Why cant we all get along? What is your point? Deep down we are all the same, no matter what your race your organs are the same. Sure some have different elements but everyone has something. For example sickle cell anemia. It is caused by misshapen hemoglobin and is predominantly an African American and African disorder since the ones who are recessive to it are immune to Malaria. Another Example every race and class deals with autism and mental disorders. In humanity we make a huge deal of your class and everyone I do not care who you are has something they laugh about with other races. For example I get called a cracker because I am white and some people assume that because I am poor I am uneducated, yet I go to an excellent college and am planning on becoming a psychiatrist. Also some people assume I do not speak English and try to speak to me in Spanish. FYI I was born in America and most people do speak English that live in America. Some of those same individuals whom criticize me and the rest of my class have children drop out of school or sime people find themselves homeless after losing a job. Yet as a species we still have to have rank. We show it by our clothing, our mannerisms, whether or not we have the newest and most fashionable car, how big our house is, and how much we spend on items. Some people even use their children to show it. For example working while in school versus not working. It is incompetent. No matter what you do you do not separate the idiots and jerks from the intelligent or kindhearted. Aas a race within one second your impression of an individual is marked and it sticks forever. It can change a little but it is in your unconscious part of your brain. Thus what is your point in making such a big deal of class and race why cant we all get along? I know how the human brain works. We are always looking for someone else to take the blame. In fact if you look at society and every race, religion, and culture everyone has persecuted the other. There is no one who is innocent from not doing such. We also want to feel above others and some want to push others down to compensate for their own insecurities and misfortunes. It is a hard reality but that is what I see every day of my life. It is rather annoying because we are all the same deep down. We have changed to be better adjusted for our environments and have gained immunities to protect us from the harshness of the world. We created religion to give us hope to whom believe and to feel a belonging that we are not the only ones who think there is something else out there who could have a part in the creation of the universe. After all science is just theories and so is what I think. At some point in time everything we believe was thought up. Like the caste system in India was created so the natives would not rebel from the Mideastern people that came and conquered. Thus at some point in time everything was a theory to be proven wrong or right. Thus what is the point in singling everyone out and grouping them? I have my theories but so does everyone else. To me it is idiotic but to others it just makes sense.

The hole

I am in a hole
I cant get out
I scream for help
no one is around
I lose all hope
The light has long faded
I wish someone would hear
but no one does
everyone passes by unknowing
as I sit in the depths thinking
the light will never come
no one will ever find me
I mine as well give up
I will die soon
no one will care
I will die in my hole alone
in the hopeless loss of my mind
I curl up and fade
the heartbeat slows
it will not stop
I cry
no one hears
no one will understand
not unless they are in the hopeless hole
it is too deep and complex
it is a labyrinth
no one takes the time
I wish they would leave me here
in my hole of hopelessness
in the depths of my thoughts
no one can reach me
in the heart of my thoughts
I wish I could reach out
it is hard to understand
only the heart can
if you can understand your heart
you can understand the hole
it will never end
it goes on forever
no one will ever understand
not unless they take the time to understand
I scream looking for help
no one comes
the light has faded
until I have strength
I will never get out
the climb will take years
the journey will be hard
I want out of the hole
I know the way

actions

actions speak louder than words everyone knows that
if you speak it the representation will be jumbled
if you show it everyone knows
in every language actions are understood
if you tell them you love them show it
if you beat them after wards then how can you say so?
if you tell them you hate them show it
if you hug them after wards then how can you say so?
don't confuse them
don't indulge them
show them
otherwise leave them
actions are an expression
they show the passion
passion is an action
and so a passionate person will tell you the truth
watch their body and you will know what they really feel
don't listen to the words
listen to the feeling in them
listen to your heart
if you can't then what is the point?
why possess one?
that is what intuitions are for
if you hear the passion
then believe them
listen to their action as they speak the words
everyone has their own words
everyone has their own language
everyone's actions speak so listen
otherwise be blind
live and be blind
live and never know their true feelings

Worlds

I am caught between worlds
I dont know where to go
The snake is swirling around me strangling my throat
I dont know where to go
It is getting tighter
I call for help no one hears
My voice is faltering
It is tightening
where is help when you need it?
The worlds are at war
Which one to pick?
If we could all get along things would be simpler
Simplicity is not plausible
The snake it tightening
Mercy is not taken
does no one listen?
I am seeping into the great abyss
Why cant we all get along?
In flesh and blood we are all the same
but people separate us by nature
color, intelligence, wealth, and abilities or disabilities are taken into account
we are the same in the end
why fight?
Why cant we all get along?
nobody is perfect
no perfect world
perfection is boring
get over yourselves
stop strangling me and the millions of others as you try to separate us
You want to belong you are hurting others
you want perfection and to get rid of the other worlds
are you mad?
the snake is tightening
stop the madness it will loosen
You are killing millions until you do
but no one will ever understand
no one takes the time to truly understand
they label and decide your worthiness to be in their presence
No one will ever understand until they do

The girl

The moon shined down on Elizabeth as she walked down the beach. The wind billowing in her hair. "Where is he?"she thought. Nick was late as usual. She reminisced the summer that seemed to pass before her eyes and closed them as she held her belly and walked, waiting for her muse to show. "Hey!" someone yelled. It was him at last! "Where have you been?" she asked. "At Mike's place he got the new Fable game on xbox 360!" He panted. "I have been waiting for you for an hour!" She replied sourly. "Well, maybe you should not be walking it makes it hard to find you." She turned her face towards the pale moonlight and he remembered.. "so.. how many more months again?" He asked. "seven more months" She said and held her belly, she knew this was coming. "Ok so how are we going to handle this? The kid will have two parents on the other side of the world, I mean I am leaving for Afghanistan and you are leaving for California in a few days.. What shall we do?" Asked Nick matter of factly. "Yeah about that.. I was wondering why dont we get married? I mean it is the right thing to do then when you are there if anything happens to you over there then your child will be taken care of by the government." "Yeah you would like that wouldn't you? not on my schedule" he mumbled "What? nick, I cant hear you". "Ok we let's walk on" He said. Elizabeth followed him her deep brown hair glistening in the moonlight and her pale eyes twinkling. Nick looked down at her regretting his decision. Remembering that night they met her swimming and he being the life guard making something up to save her. " Hey Elizabeth why don't we go over by that dock? Can just sit under it and enjoy each others company" "OK" she replied. she went under first, Nick held his breath as he went and thumbed his pocket knife remembering its sharpness. Elizabeth lied down basking in her delight of being with the one she loved- first love and glorified in his height and his bright blue eyes and jet black hair. "What is wrong?" she asked "nothing" he gushed. "so what is your plan Nick?" "My plan.. I don't know" He thumbed his knife again and took it out. He started playing with it "Nick, be careful" "oh, I am trust me" he coolly replied touching the tip, it drew blood. "Nick what did I tell you! Oh gosh come here!" She got up and he stabbed her. She stepped back and drew breath and dropped to the ground. He picked up his pocket knife and stabbed her again- his moment of truth- no girl was going to tie him down. He stabbed her thirty times before he had enough.
Nick woke up panting. It was the first day of summer. He was a lifeguard and it was his first day of work. He shrugged off his nightmare and got dressed. When he got to work he saw a beautiful dark haired girl swimming in the ocean and wished he could talk to her.